Unashamed

I wrote this about this time last year (April 2017), and thought others may benefit from this transparency...

Frequently over the past months I have found myself withdrawing inward. Away from people. Away from feeling. Away from doing. Just away. It is no secret of mine that I have suffered with depression for years. It is a form of suffering that I believe I will continue to have. Not because I do not believe God does not bring healing, but because it causes me to have to rely on Him for my joy even more so. Not because I believe I deserve this, but because we all have humanly struggles we must face. Not because it is easy to overcome, but because it causes me to continue to choose God even on my darkest day and yes some days I do fail to make that choice.

It is by the grace of God that I can sit here writing this today. There was a time in my life where I could not even drive my car without thinking of committing suicide. It was something that was on my mind more often than I care to admit. Self harm was reality I faced when I just needed to feel something other than the pain and hollow inside me. I can remember in my times of numbness reaching out into the rain to see if I could still feel. I sought others to fill the empty inside of me. That empty was slowly clawing it's way to the surface and looking back I know if I had not made a change when I did I would not have made it down that road much longer. I needed someone to rescue me and I could have never guessed that my rescue would have turned out this way.

I can remember this moment, a moment I will never forget, of feeling I had nothing in this world of mine and having no clue what I was going to do to turn this moment around. What's amazing about this is that I was at the end of my rope and could not have gone one more step down the road I was going. It was a crossroad in my depression but not like a normal crossroad. One road went straight down and another took a sharp turn up a very steep hilly mountain. God had a plan already set into motion that was going to be my rescue out of the pit I was in. The right people, the right places, the right timing. 

I do not say these things to gain pity or praise but in hopes that someone will see there is a way to fight this thing. There is only one way and that is Jesus. 

I choose to be grateful for the moments I can feel God's love engulfing me, those moments of being lost in worshipful praise to The One True King, and for the moments of joy and peace I am blessed with.